The League of Rogue Barristers - Chicago Chapter

Heads or Tails?

This sounds like JD's kind of judge.

 Judge booted for flipping coin to decide               

               
By LARRY O'DELL, Associated Press Writer       Fri Nov  2,  5:02 PM ET                                                                         

                        

RICHMOND, Va. - A judge who ordered a woman to drop her pants and decided a custody dispute by flipping a coin was removed from the bench by the Virginia Supreme Court on Friday. The decision against Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court Judge James Michael Shull of Gate City was unanimous.                         

"Unless our citizens can trust that judges will fairly resolve the disputes brought before our courts, and treat all litigants with dignity, our courts will lose the public's respect and confidence upon which our legal system depends," Justice Barbara Milano Keenan wrote.

According to the court, Shull admitted tossing a coin to determine which parent would have visitation with a child on Christmas. Shull said he was trying to encourage the parents to decide the issue themselves but later acknowledged that he was wrong.

The pants-dropping incidents, the court said, "were even more egregious."

The court said they occurred when a woman was seeking a protective order against a partner who she said had stabbed her in the leg. Shull knew the woman had a history of mental problems and insisted on seeing the wound, the court said.

The woman dropped her pants once to display the wound, then dropped them a second time after Shull left the bench for a closer look to determine whether the woman had received stitches.

A court bailiff testified before the commission that after the hearing, he asked Shull, "Did you see what that lady had on?" According to the bailiff, Shull replied: "Yeah, a black lacy thing ... it looked good, didn't it?"

Shull denied making the comment. His attorney, Russell V. Palmore, did not immediately return a phone call seeking comment Friday.

The justices could have merely censured Shull, but they noted that he had appeared before the Judicial Inquiry and Review Commission in 2004 for allegedly calling a teenager a "mama's boy" and a "wuss" and advising a woman to marry her abusive boyfriend. That complaint was dismissed with an admonition to Shull to chalk it up as a learning experience.

Today is a Sad Day

For we have lost one of the greatest humans to ever grace this Earth.  According to Yahoo!, Robert Goulet passed away today waiting for a lung transplant.  Mr. Goulet, you have brought great joy to us all and you will be missed.

These Guys Make France Look Tough

Here's why Congress has a lower approval rating than the President.  I don't think anyone in the leadership has a clue about being strong and making a stand.  Here's an idea: find two or three issues that the majority of your party can get behind and push your agenda until it's accepted.

Legal Term of the Week (TM)

This week's term is for Lindsay Lohan, who proclaimed her innocence with respect to charges of DUI and possession of cocaine.

Innocent -- Free from guilt; free from legal fault.

(This week's term is courtesy of Black's Law Dictionary.)

Cutting Edge or Unethical?

Assuming you've read the previous two posts on this blog, you're probably well aware of the controversy involving one law firm's questionable advertisement this past week.

As a lawyer who practices in the family law field, I happen to know both of the partners at the firm in question.  Kelly Garland is generally considered a nice person, although she can be a bulldog in the courtroom.  Nothing wrong there.  Corri Fetman, on the other hand, has been described by many fellow divorce attorneys as a tramp, a legal call-girl, sleazy, deceitful, and innapropriate, respectively.

I myself recall the first time I saw Ms. Fetman in court.  She walked in with knee-high, black go-go boots; fishnet stockings; a (I'm not making this up, I swear) very short miniskirt in a rattlesnake skin pattern, and a blouse open almost all the way to her waist.  Now bear in mind that Ms. Fetman has, ah, "invested" in her physical appearance--in a Beverly Hills sort of way, mind you.  She also has a wild mane of obviously chemical blond hair.  Needless to say, I remember it well.  She represents primarily men, and has a strategy where she advises them to move to Cook County, Illinois several months before filing for divorce, as Cook County is far less likely to give wives maintenance (alimony) for a long period of time.  She is generally considered nasty to deal with, sort of like a female David Grund, and will fight you over every single detail; to the point of throwing her client's money down the drain.

But back to the billboard/banner:  Is it permissable?  What rules of professional conduct does it violate, if any?  If it does, what should their punishment be?

The general consensus in my legal peer group is that it makes lawyers everywhere, especially divorce lawyers, look bad.  My peers seem to think that Ms. Fetman is the 1% of divorce lawyers that ruin it for the rest of us in the eyes of the public.  By attempting to encourage divorce, Ms. Fetman has completely gone against the public policy of the State of Illinois, which is to discourage divorce.  But is this sanctionable conduct?

What are your thoughts?  Discuss...

Subjects of No One

A little perspective as the queen of England finishes her trip to our Country.  Never forget why and how this Nation was founded.

Why don't you just die?

Dear Opposing Counsel,

You are a punk-ass little bitch.  I wonder which state bar you first duped into admitting you.  It's hard at times to tell which is more horrendous, your circa-1990 toupee or the outfits your harlot of a client wears to court.  You blew two dates.  You file frivolous motions.  You have lied on the record at least once; our 137 motion is forthcoming.  You are apparently unable to comply with everyday procedure, or fill out even simple, pre-printed forms.  The depth of your oafishness astounds even my jaded worldview.

You make jokes about someone actually liking you---and no one laughs.  Your dandruff is so large it could injure a small child; and with your legal skills you'd get life in prison.  You file subpoenas with compliance dates that have already passed, then send me letters telling me that you guess the keeper of records will just show up on the deposition date.  You demand that we comply with discovery requests that we answered a month ago.  You seem confused when I look at you with an obvious air of disdain.  Let me clear it up for you, super-genius:  I HOPE YOU F*CKING DIE!!!

Love,

J.D. Crane

Why John McCain Should Be President

http://www.drudgereport.com/flash2.htm

UK attempts to overtake Thailand as the new sex offender haven

If you ever find yourself in a sticky situation in the UK, remember these words: Your honor, just look at her, there's no way I'd know she was 10.

This reminds me of someone...

I just can't put my finger on who...

Woman dropped on head alleges 'negligent dancing'

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- A woman is suing her dance partner, claiming he dropped her on her head after flipping her into the air at an office party.

Lacey Hindman, 22, was a victim of "negligent dancing," says her lawyer, David M. Baum.

In the suit, Hindman claims that during a party at a Chicago bar and restaurant in April 2006, David Prange grabbed her by the forearms and tossed her in the air, and then she crashed to the wood floor.

"I was in the air, over him," Hindman said. "I fell hard enough you could hear the impact of me hitting the floor over the sound from the jukebox."

Hindman said in the suit, filed in Cook County Circuit Court, that she suffered a fractured skull and brain injuries. She is seeking damages for medical bills and lost wages for time missed from work.

Hindman worked for Prange's wife, Kate Prange, at Shop Girl, a women's boutique.

There was no immediate response to a call seeking comment from David Prange on Tuesday.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Hope They Had Their Army Knives

You just can't trust the Swiss.

Swiss accidentally invade Liechtenstein

ZURICH, Switzerland - What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

According to Swiss daily Blick, the 170 infantry soldiers wandered just over a mile across an unmarked border into the tiny principality early Thursday before realizing their mistake and turning back.

A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion.

"We've spoken to the authorities in Liechtenstein and it's not a problem," Daniel Reist told The Associated Press.

Officials in Liechtenstein also played down the incident.

Interior ministry spokesman Markus Amman said nobody in Liechtenstein had even noticed the soldiers, who were carrying assault rifles but no ammunition. "It's not like they stormed over here with attack helicopters or something," he said.

Liechtenstein, which has about 34,000 inhabitants and is slightly smaller than Washington DC, doesn't have an army.

Why Stop Now?

In the wake of the BOT of the University of Illinois announcing the retirement of the Chief, I would like to be the first to raise the overlooked instances of collegiate bigotry and discrimination.  And I will start with the biggest offender: the University of Notre Dame.

It is time the NCAA stopped sanctioning and promoting the cruel stereotypes of the proud Irish people perpetuated by the University of Notre Dame.  The Fighting Irish care little that their beloved leprechaun wrongly portrays Irishmen as drunks bent on fighting.  The Irish have contributed greatly to our society with the likes of Parnell, O'Connell, Blythe, and Joyce.

The Irish people deserve better than this.  They are a people who would much rather read a good novel or poem then visit a public house.  Write, email, or send a telegraph to the president of Notre Dame right now and demand that he end this injustice.

More Duke Madness

For those States Attorneys out there thinking of using their cases to propel them into public office, think twice about abusing the bully pulpit.  The North Carolina State Bar has filed a complaint against Michael Nifong, the prosecutor on the Duke lacrosse case, alleging ethics violations in connection with comments he made concerning the investigation and prosecution.

Happy B-Day JC!

No, I'm not a day late on that other J.C. with a late December birthday, but to our very own Jurisconsultus, good job keeping up the DC Chapter of LRB and we're looking forward to raising a few glasses of good beer and great bourbon in your honor tonight!

More Proof that the LRB Should Be Your Only Source

The Chicago Tribune picked up on some voting complaints including lack of special pens.  Unfortunately, the article posted on their website 34 minutes after it was first brought to everyone's attention by LRB's own Quo Vadis.

Simple Concepts in Election Planning

Attempting to be a good citizen, and with my sample ballot and judicial retention research in hand, I headed off to my local polling place this morning to cast my vote. The whole process took me almost half an hour. Of that time, only about 10 minutes was spent actually filling out the absurdly formatted ballot. So, in honor of that, I bring to you my list of Simple Concepts in Election Planning:

1. The people responsible for looking up a voter on the rolls should be able to see.
The woman at the table must have been almost blind. She had to look at every page she turned to in the rolls for about 10 seconds.

2. The people responsible for looking up a voter on the rolls should know the alphabet.
Same woman: could not figure out which book I was in, and then having found the right book, could not locate my name in the book. (It was in the right place, of course.)

3. If you deliver to a polling place enough stations for 9 people, you should include enough equipment for each station to be operational.
There were 9 stations - 1 electronic voting booth and 8 booths for filling out paper ballots. However, there were only *FOUR* (4) of the special pens ("archival ink") required to fill out the paper ballots. Thus, at any given time only five people could be voting.

4. Paper ballots that require special pens are a bad idea.
See #3, supra.

5. Make sure that extra supplies are available.
If special pens are required, there should be extras available, not merely one for each station. What happens when one or more of them run out by the end of the day? Or if someone accidentally puts it into their pocket/bag/purse after voting? Can you say disenfranchised?

6. Paper ballots that require more than a simple mark (a check mark, a punch hole, even a filled in circle) are a bad idea.
These ballots required filling in the missing portion of an arrow pointing to the candidate for whom you wished to vote. Tedious and time-consuming, it added to the frustration of seeing 4 people voting for 10-20 minutes each (depending on whether they knew who they wanted to vote for ahead of time, how sharp they were, etc) while watching 4 stations stand empty.

Tell us about your voting experiences. LRB wants to know.

QV.

Olbermann on Habeus Corpus

Keith Olbermann may be proving himself to be the next Edward R. Murrow...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqxmPjB0WSs&eurl=

QV.

We came. We saw...

We kicked its ass!  I would like to thank all for their greetings of welcome as the Virginia Chapter of Rogue Barristers invaded the greatest city in the world.  I think we made it through the wedding and reception okay and had a good time (how can you not when the head table is belting out "Don't Stop Believing" as it is being played by a string quartet).  I think we left Chicago in good shape, and fear not, we will be back (especially since at least one of us got some digits).

Where East meets West

I'd like to extend a hearty welcome to the Virginia Chapter of Rogue Barristers, glad you guys came in and hopefully the City will still be standing by the time you leave!

-Hunc

The key to politics is...in your minibar?

I thought that it was bad when my $50 Kryptonite bicycle lock was rendered useless by a 10-cent BIC pen, but the geniuses at Diebold have found a new low. It seems that a common key, found in hotel minibars and widely available on the internet, can open the door housing the memory card that stores votes on a Diebold voting machine.

Perhaps they use them on their ATM machines too....

QV.

Scientific studies with obvious results

Scientists have shown the men are smarter than women, but Will Ferrell was good enough to tell us  ages ago that "You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science."  Yes Ron, it is in fact science.

In other news, those who knock back frosty beverages make more money than non-drinkers, so this weekend lets all work on getting a big fat raise.

that is all

Hunc

Silly deposed leader...

No Saddam, you can't crush our heads. No silly-ass-found-in-a-glorified-sewer-pipe-needing-a-haircut-attending-court-in-pajamas-deposed-despot is going to do that. Besides, everyone knows that the head crush is easily blocked with the outward-pushing palms.

I guess he's not clear on the "big picture"...

Apparently, a defendant currently incarcerated and awaiting trial for threatening a judge.........threatens the judge with bodily harm if the judge doesn't let him out of jail.

Why PMBR doesn't teach copyrights

Chicago Daily Law Bulletin August 29, 2006 Volume: 152 Issue: 169 Bar course fined $12 million for copying By Jerry Crimmins Law Bulletin staff writer A federal judge has ordered the company that runs a highly popular bar exam review course and its owners to pay almost $12 million for ''willful and egregious copyright infringement'' of the Multistate Bar Exam. The bar review course is known as the Preliminary Multistate Bar Review. It is regularly offered in Illinois. A three-day PMBR course was offered this year at Chicago-Kent College of Law, Northwestern University School of Law, and the University of Illinois College of Law in preparation for the July Illinois bar exam.  PMBR has also been offered at The John Marshall Law School, which once partially subsidized the course for its students. The lawsuit alleging copyright infringement was filed by the National Conference of Bar Examiners, which produces the Multistate Bar Examination. U.S. District Court Judge John P. Fullam in the Eastern District of Pennsylvania concluded after a bench trial that the owners of PMBR, Robert Feinberg and Dona Zimmerman, and their company, Multistate Legal Studies, ''willfully copied MBE questions.''   Fullam said nearly all of the 113 questions used in the PMBR course that were challenged as copyright infringements ''are substantially similar to copyrighted MBE questions.''   ''In many instances, evidence of copying practically leaps from the page,'' the judge continued. The judge also cited as evidence the advertisements for PMBR.  One testimonial used as a PMBR advertisement stated an individual ''breezed through the exam because [he] recognized so many of the questions from PMBR,'' the judge wrote.  Another testimonial exclaimed in large, boldface type, ''It Was Deja Vu All Over Again. I Was Amazed How Similar The Actual MBE Was To PMBR!'' ''Feinberg has personally taken the MBE more than 20 times and Zimmerman more than a dozen,'' the judge related. In February, 2003, when Feinberg took the MBE in Anchorage, Alaska, he was stopped while leaving the room with his handwritten notes from the test in violation of the rules, according to the opinion. That incident caused the National Conference of Bar Examiners to review the PMBR course materials and file the lawsuit. Feinberg also admitted in the litigation that ''he used the notes of PMBR employees who have taken the MBE in recent years,'' the judge said.  The defendants, however, stated that they produced their bar review course as an independent creation. Feinberg said he produced almost all the PMBE questions and answers himself by relying on hornbooks, treatises, reporters, and published cases. The judge rejected this defense. According to Fullam, ''PMBR is both popular and lucrative, teaching more than 40,000 students in 2004, nearly 60 percent of those taking the MBE, and bringing in more than $16 million in gross revenues that year.'' Fullam enjoined the defendants from copying, duplicating, selling or leasing any questions obtained from the National Conference of Bar Examiners copyrighted tests. The National Conference of Bar Examiners was represented by Barbara W. Mather and Christopher J. Huber of Pepper, Hamilton in Philadelphia and Robert A. Burgoye and Caroline M. Mew of Fulbright & Jaworski in Washington, D.C. The judge also awarded attorneys fees and costs to the plaintiffs, the amount yet to be determined. ''By exposing its students to questions likely to appear on the MBE, PMBR undermined the integrity of the bar examination, possibly causing the admission of unqualified applicants,'' Fullam asserted. The National Conference of Bar Examiners develops testing materials, including the Multistate Bar Examination, used in bar exams in more than 50 jurisdictions. The MBE is a 200-question, multiple-choice test administered in February and July each year.  Typically state bar exams run two days with one day's testing on state law and another day for the MBE. The MBE covers topics in contracts, criminal law and procedure, constitutional law, real property, evidence and torts. The lead attorney for the defendants was Manny D. Pokotilow of Caesar, Rivise, Bernstein, Cohen & okotilow Ltd. of Philadelphia. He was part of a team of seven lawyers from three firms in Philadelphia, Los Angeles, and Chicago. The Chicago lawyers were Paul F. Stack and Cori A. Szczucki of Stack & Filpi Chtd. of Chicago.

DOH!

Today, a U.S. District Judge in Detroit ruled that the NSA's warrantless wiretap program was unconstitutional.  See her opinion here.

Innocuous animals terrorize Florida!

Apparently, squirrels and turtles have grown sick of tourists and pesky Floridians and have initiated the beginning stages of a 2-front war, attacking by both land and sea.  Updates to come as details warrant....

Ladies, I can't believe you ever doubted us.

Dear Women of the World:

    Hey, this is Man talking. Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that we love you.  We're concerned about you.  We want to you to be as healthy as you can.  We will do anything in our power to assist you in your pursuit of better heath.  All you have to do is ask.  We stand ready, awaiting your decision to be a healthier you.

Love,

MAN

"Boobie Pillows"

Yay for Kern County, CA code!  Because I like Googling "boobie pillows" at 9:20 in the morning...

9.12.010 Public sales of articles depicting female breasts. (partial citation)

A. Finding of Fact Leading to Enactment. Residents of the county have petitioned the board of supervisors of the county to prevent persons who display, sell or offer to sell upholstered or stuffed articles depicting, simulating or caricaturing female breasts from vending such articles at sites adjacent to and near county highways. Those petitioners have represented, and this board of supervisors finds, that county highways regularly are traversed by adults and children who have no recourse except to use those highways going to and from school, to play and recreation, to stores, offices, churches, and otherwise following their daily activities, and that vending such articles adjacent to and near county highways is indecent, offensive to the senses, an unwarranted intrusion upon the right of adults and children freely to use the county highways in their legitimate comings and goings and to be free in such travels from vulgar, sexist and exploitative displays and exhibitions by the vendors thereof.

The petitioners have represented, and the board of supervisors finds, that (unlike indecent and vulgar displays in movies, newspapers, television and other places, the offensiveness of which can be prevented or controlled by turning off the set, canceling a subscription, declining to purchase, or nonattendance) the hawking of those articles named by its vendor and sold as “boobies pillows” along the public highways is a species of indecency and vulgarity which cannot be ignored or controlled by passersby, which assails the eyes and minds of all who are required to use county highways, and which should be barred and controlled for the peace, safety and welfare of the unincorporated areas of the county.

B. Display and and Sale Banned Within One Thousand (1,000) Feet of Highways.  No vendor shall vend stuffed articles depicting the female breasts (sold as "boobie pillows") within one thousand (1,000) feet of any county highway.

Nice Marmot?

Big Rodents Overrun Washington Seniors May 30 4:13 PM US/Eastern

PROSSER, Wash.

"The marmots are coming, the marmots are coming." Seniors living in Wine Country Villa probably wish they had gotten such a warning.

Residents say the oversized rodents are swarming through the 75-unit development of manufactured homes near the airport of this Eastern Washington town, burrowing under homes, fouling front porches with their droppings and _ according to some unconfirmed accounts _ attacking people.

Many species of marmots, including some known as woodchucks and groundhogs, are found across North America. They are closely related to ground squirrels and are among the largest of rodents, some reaching 30 pounds.

"Can you imagine what they'd do to cats?" asked Dick Bain, 78, a Wine Country resident who dispatched two of the animals with a shovel Friday.

Bain said he doesn't like killing animals but had to act after finding two marmots beneath a stack of carpentry wood next to his house.

"My neighbor got tackled (by marmots) two years ago and got chewed up pretty bad," Bain told the Yakima Herald-Republic.

The account could not be verified by the newspaper. Bain would not identify the man, saying his neighbor was embarrassed.

Also unconfirmed was an account that a resident got badly bitten after reaching into a water tank to remove a marmot that only appeared to be dead.

Ray Borgens, 81, said marmots leave unsavory calling cards in his carport, burrow under his house and once scooted up a ladder he left leaning against the roof.

"They were snooping around the air ducts up there," Borgens said.

Concerned about the droppings, which Bain said often are tracked indoors "even though you think you've cleaned it off," residents say officials in the Benton-Franklin Health Department have told them there's nothing the agency can do because the animals pose no public health risk, including the spread of infectious disease.

Police add that town ordinances prohibit residents from shooting the critters.

Officials in the state Department of Fish and Wildlife say residents likely will have to pay if they want to eradicate the infestation, and then only after clearing some bureaucratic hurdles. First, they must file a complaint with the agency's Yakima office, which then may refer them to a certified exterminator.

"These are not free services," agency spokeswoman Madonna Luers said. "We do not have the staff to go out there and deal with these situations."

To make the area less attractive to marmots, she advised securing garbage cans and other potential sources of food or nesting material.

She also advised trying to avoid marmot confrontations.

"They've probably become pretty accustomed to people," Luers said, "and it's not an animal you want to tangle with."

___

Information from: Yakima Herald-Republic, http://www.yakima-herald.com

Juris' new moniker

Word comes from the East that from here on out JC will now only answer to:

congratulations to all involved.

What a suprise...

When one ponders the world of Intellectual Property law, with its convoluted rules and plethora of conflicting decisions, it seems fitting that the clearest, simplest breakdown of the law, in both concept and practice, would be provided by........a comic book.

(Thanks to Evan Schaeffer's Legal Underground)

--J.D.

Way Better Than Any Hollywood Movie

This woman proves I was doing all the wrong things in law school.  Who is she? 

Find out for yourself.

The food chain

Its always nice to be reminded of our place in the food chain by headlines like Tips For Avoiding Alligator Attacks.

They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security.

New revelations that the NSA has been collecting records of every phone call made in the United States since recently after the September 11 attacks.

And just in case you were wondering what became of the earlier revelation that the same agency was recently revealed to have been evesdropping on American citizens without any Congressional or Judicial oversight: the investigation has been ended. Apparently the government lawyers could not get a security clearance from the NSA - How convenient!

QV.

Making Me Proud to be Norwegian

Man charged in dildo assault

A 37-year-old man remained in police custody Tuesday, charged with a violent assault against his former girlfriend. He has testified that his only weapon was a dildo.

The 28-year-old victim remained in the hospital after suffering a concussion, two broken fingers and several cuts. According to local newspaper Firda, she told police she feared for her life during the assault.

The defendant appeared in the Fjordane court in the scenic western town of Nordfjordeid on Monday. He told said he was sorry for his actions, and attempted to downplay the assault.

"It lasted 10 to 15 minutes, max," he told the court. "I didn't hit her with anything other than a dildo."

He also suggested the woman may have had bruises from before the assault. "She doesn't tolerate much because of anorexia," he said, adding that he was sorry "for what happened" and demanding he be released.

He was instead ordered held for another four weeks.

(courtesy of Aftenposten)

No Surprise Here

Another Kennedy that has a problem with driving under the influence.

Someone Tell George Clooney to go F@#& Himself

Where does this guy come off?  Take a look at a couple of his ideas on foreign policy:

Iraq bad

Darfur good

Here's a summary for those who have better things to do:

Intervention in a foreign country where we have no business being in order to prevent terrible acts against humanity that is proposed by a conservative: Bad.

Intervention in a foreign country where we have no business being in order to prevent terrible acts against humanity that is proposed by a liberal: You are a fucking moron for not supporting this.

ATTENTION ALL LAWYERS:

I write to you today on a serious subject-----your lazy asses.

When exactly did "doing nothing" become a way to practice law?
Don't get me wrong, there are times when just sitting back and letting things happen, or waiting for the other side to do something and then react are good strategy.  What I'm talking about here is when a lawyer (through lack of care or plain laziness) makes this their "style of practice".

GET.....OFF......YOUR.....ASS!!!

Don't you know I'll take every opportunity to point out your lack of effort to the Judge?
Don't you know I'll take every opportunity to hit you with motions and 201(k) letters?
Don't you know your client will wind up paying my client's fees for that time?
Don't you know I'll speak very loudly in the hallway, and thus let the other lawyers (as well as your client) know what a worthless slouch you are?
Don't you know that your strategy is, quite possibly, the worst possible strategy to take with an attorney with my practice style?

Maybe you're doing it simply to piss me off, or maybe you're doing it because this is always the way you do it, and you haven't faced someone willing to go with the nuclear option yet.

Well, welcome to J.D. Crane, bitches.

Let us never forget.

Remember.

No Shock Here

If you have ever seen the show, then you knew this was coming.

Congratulations All Around

According to CNNMoney, attorneys have the 37th best job in the country.  See the top fifty here.  Lawyers also had the second highest average salary of any job in the top 50 with an average of $153,923, behind only doctors.  Surprisingly, paralegals were ranked ten spots higher at 27 with an average salary of $61,204.  Apparently, the rankers forgot that paralegals have to work with attorneys on a daily basis, drastically reducing their quality of life.

JC on Immigration

Keeping with the recent events theme, the other day thousands of people marched in cities across the country in support of pro-immigration legislation.  This may come as a surprise to many of you out there reading the LORB, but JC is a staunch supporter of lessening immigration requirements.  JC supports allowing illegal immigrants to become legal residents of this country and start on the road to citizenship.  I feel this way for two main reasons.

Reason #1
This country is a country of immigrants.

The United States of America would not be where it is today if there was not a steady supply of immigrants.  This country was founded by immigrants and the descendants of immigrants.  Every single one of us has a member of our family who emigrated to this country.  Who are we to say that someone seeking a better life is not allowed to come here because of her socio-economic status or country of origin?  It is very hypocritical of us to put limit the ability of others to come here when all of us have descended from immigrants.  I see no problem allowing those seeking to better there lot from coming here and being given the opportunity to do so.  If a man or woman wants to come here and work hard in a job that most natural born citizens feel is beneath them in the hope that their children might have a better life, then there is no good reason why we should close the gates to this country and deny them that opportunity.

Reason #2

Legal residents pay taxes.

It is estimated that 11 million people are currently in this country illegally.  Most of these illegal residents are working in jobs where they are paid in cash and not having income or Social Security taxes deducted from their earnings.  I will venture to guess that these folks are not filing any tax returns either (I don't blame them; if I was paid in cash, I would not file any returns).  It is obvious that we cannot deport all of these illegal residents and we cannot prevent more people from coming here illegally.  The country needs to respond to this situation by allowing them to become legal residents with Social Security numbers who will leave a paper trail when they do not pay their income taxes.  Given the size of the deficit, I cannot see why Congress would not want to do something that might increase revenues.

Congress needs to enact legislation that loosens restrictions on immigration and gives illegal immigrants the ability to become legal residents.

The Court of Public Opinion

Unless you live in a cave, or are a law student, you have probably heard about all that is going on with a stripper who claims that three members of the Duke University lacrosse team assaulted, raped, and sodomized her.  You have also probably heard that no DNA evidence was found linking any of the white lacrosse players to the alleged crime (I say this because the one African-American member of the team was spared from having to submit a DNA sample based on the alleged victim's claim that her attackers were all white).  Click here for one of many stories on the matter.

I am not so much concerned with the media coverage as I am with the propensity of the DA jumping on every chance to make a public appearance and give the country his two cents.  Generally, rules of ethics prohibit lawyers from publicly discussing pending and on-going litigation.  I am deeply perturbed that sanctions for violations seem to always be placed on criminal defense attorneys and not on prosecutors.  Yet prosecutors, more often than not, will be the first in front of a camera discussing many details and tainting the possible jury pool.

The DA in North Carolina, Michael Nifong, is using as much of his fifteen minutes has he possibly can.  His rantings about how he is certain something has happened and why not one team member has come forward to say what happened have convicted these 40-some young men in the eyes of the public.  If any charges are brought against any member of the team, then it will be impossible for them to receive a fair trial.

The lack of DNA evidence has only bolstered my argument that Nifong should have kept his mouth shut.  He is now trying to persuade everyone that DNA evidence is not necessary.  This is near impossible given the weight our society places on scientific evidence, especially in court.  Nifong has created a terrible situation because of political ambitions.  Most of what he has said has already been blown out of proportion, to the point that he had to correct an attendant at a "town hall" meeting who asserted that the victim had positively identified her attackers (she has not).

This whole situation both angers and amuses me.  I am angered at how the DA is ruining an on-going investigation and disclosing information that will prejudice any potential jury.  Yet I am also amused by the lack of DNA evidence and how it has forced the DA to backpedal and save his own ass.

I am wondering what all you lawyers, soon-to-be lawyers, and non-lawyers think about this.

Pardon me brother, can you spare a foot?

RABBITS SUE TO KEEP THEIR FEET ON THE GROUND
. . . And Off Key Chains!

RABBIT HASH, Ky. -- They are a familiar sight in animal shelters and pet shops across the nation: Rabbit amputees, their limbs sacrificed by the millions every year in the name of good luck.

"Bad luck for their poor little missing hindquarters," sneered Harvey P. Dowd, an attorney representing Help Outlaw Paw Pruning Sadists, an organization devoted to ending the barbaric human practice of cutting off rabbit's feet and carrying them for good luck.

"The foot of the Leporidae -- which is the Latin name for rabbits -- has been used as a good luck charm since before 600 B.C. These trinkets grew from ancient superstitions about fertility and pacifism. But there is nothing peaceful about this grisly practice."

In criminal papers filed in U.S. District Court, H.O.P.P.S. seeks an injunction against the "foot fetish peddlers," as they call them. Not only does the suit claim "cruel and unusual punishment," it also accuses the defendants of trafficking in stolen goods.

H.O.P.P.S. has also filed a separate class action civil suit seeking monetary compensation for the many millions of victims of the powerful rabbit's foot industry.

"This is an abuse of the legal more merciful if D'Argent and his fellow sadists did just kill them," Dowd said bitterly. "Instead, they leave behind wounded, wretched ruins with nothing to look forward to but more bad hare days." Dexter Palomino and his wife, Satin, run a rabbit rescue farm outside Fresno, Calif. It's system," said Dutch D'Argent, spokesperson for the plush animal and trinket-industry giant Fun Fur All.

"Owning a rabbit's foot is part of the rite of passage in America. It's like your first jackknife or BB gun -- which, frankly, is one reason a kid needs a good luck charm.

"I mean, we're talking about rabbits," D'Argent went on. "People slaughter billions of animals every year for food. Heck, we take the rabbit's feet but at least we leave the animals alive!"

Alive and at the center of an expensive health care crisis.

"It might be more merciful if D'Argent and his fellow sadists did just kill them," Dowd said bitterly. "Instead, they leave behind wounded, wretched ruins with nothing to look forward to but more bad hare days."

Dexter Palomino and his wife, Satin, run a rabbit rescue farm outside Fresno, Calif. It's located in a quiet, rustic setting on Bunny Lake.

"Most of our guests are victims of the good luck charm industry," Dexter said. "Our farm is crawling with bunny amputees. Well, not crawling. Most of them get around on those little carts with wheels. Unfortunately, our financial resources are stretched to the absolute limit. I even have a waiting list of rabbits who are dying to get in." "That's why we're also suing for funding," said Mr. Dowd. "The bill should be footed, so to speak, by the people who crippled these poor creatures in the first place." The rabbits foot industry claims not to be worried by the lawsuit. "These rabbits don't have a leg to stand on, legally or otherwise," said Mr. D'Argent.

"We'll see about that," Dowd told us. "We'll also see something else -- whether a few hundred thousand rabbit's feet can actually bring a heartless businessman any luck."

---Thanks to Paul Kupps.

Reason #38 to crack down on Immigration.

3 Arrested at Mass. Baby Shower Brawl
By Associated Press
Published April 5, 2006, 3:26 PM CDT

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. -- An argument at a baby shower escalated into a brawl in which one man was shot and the pregnant guest of honor was beaten with a stick, police said.

Three people were arrested after the fight, described by police as a "baby shower gone bad."

Authorities said the shooting victim, Aristotle Garcia, got into a fight with a man who is dating his ex-girlfriend. The argument, over whether the woman let their 5-year-old daughter drink beer, escalated and drew in two other people -- Jazz Rivas and Juan Velazquez, said Police Lt. Cheryl C. Claprood.

When the baby shower's hostess tried to intervene, Rivas began hitting some of the guests, including the 22-year-old mother-to-be, with a large stick, she said.

Velazquez fired a gun in the air, then fired it into the crowd, hitting Garcia in the stomach, according to police. Garcia, 26, was in stable condition at Baystate Medical Center. The mother-to-be, who was seven months pregnant, was treated after the incident Saturday and released.

Velazquez, 19, was arrested Tuesday and charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, armed assault with intent to murder. He pleaded innocent Wednesday and was ordered held on $100,000 bail.

The man Garcia was initially fighting with, Antonio Santiago, 25, pleaded innocent to similar charges Tuesday and was ordered held on $50,000 bail.

Rivas, 22, pleaded innocent to three counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and one count of assault and battery on a pregnant female. His bail was set at $10,000.

Ethical Question of the Week

Greetings, my little bedbugs!  I, being J.D. Crane, already know the answer to the following question, but it's been generating lots of water cooler chatter around my firm.  Thus, I shall spring it on you, and see what you might make of it:

A client comes in and wants you to represent him in a particular matter.  He makes a good income.  In going throught the course of gathering all the financial data regarding your client, your client makes a startling confession.  He has a side job.  A side job that makes him more than the president of the USA makes.  A side job selling drugs.  And I'm not talking about Sudafed, either.

Here are some helpful parameters:

1.  He's already retained you, having signed the agreement and paid the retainer.

2.  His "side project" has nothing to do with the matter you've been retained for.

3.  As it pertains to the matter you've been retained for, his income is not really relevant, and won't come into play in the matter.

4. Yes, he'll be paying you in cash.

5.  No, he's not Bill Clinton, Jack Abramoff, George Sotos, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, or Tom Delay.

So, what say you, kiddies?  Let the deliberations begin...

An Evolving Debate, Part III

Here are a few more articles on the "Roe vs. Wade" for men case that's been in the news lately:

An article from the Chicago Tribune that tries to balance the interests of the child with the fraud angle.

The press release from the National Center for Men, who initiated the litigation and is financing it.

A man-on-the-street view from a father of two boys.

A libertarian point of view.

A right-wing point of view.

A fascinating (and personally, horrifying) discussion in the comments section of Madison.com;  just keep reading the comments.

Weekly Poll

What do all these people have in common?

1.  Richard Daley
2.  John Stroger
3.  Barack Obama
4.  Rod Blagoevich
5.  Dick Durbin

That's right!  They're all policitians!

And thus, they are all douchebags.

Tune in next week for another edition of......................The Weekly Poll.

It's official...

...Ruth Bader Ginsberg is out of her mind.

An Evolving Debate

Women's Rights vs. Men's Rights

For those of you who have been following the news, there is a legal challenge pending in the court system which many commentators have taken to calling "Roe vs. Wade for Men".  It involves the concept that a man should have a period of time before the child is born to relinquish any parental or financial responsibility for the child, if the child was not wanted.  There is an excellent article on the subject by Cathy Young here.

Discuss.

I sense that balance has been restored to the Force...

It would seem that the forces of good have prevailed against the evil Sith menace.

It was a hard fought battle, with the solipsistic forces of high academia landing the first blow.

But soon after, a champion would arise, and smite the solipsistic forces of academia where it hurts the most--in their own home.

And the land again became fertile, and the people multiplied.  Selah.

A Moment of Silence Please

On Friday, February 24, 2006, the world lost one of its great thinkers and entertainers.  Truly a man for all seasons.  Prolific actor, artist, and humanitarian Don Knotts passed away at UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles, California.  Mr. Furley, we will miss you.

 

The Adventures of Quo Vadis (cont'd)

We now resume Leonard P. Hogthistle's thrilling account of his Quo Vadis sighting:

"Ah looked fartha back down tha road, and then I saw a big whaaat van come a-squealin' around tha corna, almost like that theyaa van from that ol' A-Team show on the picture tube.  Ah thought it was a-fixin to tip right ova like a sleepin' cow on a dark naaaght, but then the driva done righted hisself.  Yo boy Quo Vadis turned aroung and a-looked back at tha van with a look that done woulda raised tha dead.  It was pure blind a-panic, I'ma tellin' ya.  He looked laak a ghost or sumpin' was a-bearin' down on him.  Tha next thing I knows, the van comes a-screechin' to a halt, and the side doh slides open, and four or faav men jumps out, all of em's in black uniforms, like they was Chuck Norris from those Delta Force movin' pictures or sumpin'"

(to be continued)

Have you seen this man?

This is an all-points bulletin for Quo Vadis.  If you have seen Quo Vadis, or are claiming to have seen Quo Vadis, please contact us here at RogueBarristers.

If you have seen Quo Vadis in San Francisco recently, please disregard this message.

You make the call

Accident or government plot to rid the world of millionaire attorneys?

Tell those aliens how you really feel

Go ahead, tell those space aliens how you really feel.

Who's Eddie and why is he involved? 

Harry Reid is a Douchebag

More proof that Democrats are hypocrites.  Click here.

Hell, she should move here and run for congress...

Lucella Bridget Gorman pleaded guilty in Brisbane, Australia, in December to two counts of theft, the first count for stealing things from a department store and the second count for stealing the mugshot camera while police were booking her for the department-store theft.

Maybe she should have tried Chi-Chi's...

Jessica Sandy Booth, 18, was arrested in December in Memphis, Tenn., and charged with hiring a hit man to help her kill four people so she could steal a brick of what turned out to be queso fresco cheese.

According to police, Booth had seen the large block of crumbly, white, Mexican-cuisine cheese on a table at an acquaintance's home, thought it was a big pile of cocaine, and devised an elaborate plot to return later, steal it, and kill anyone in the house old enough to testify against her.

(Thanks to the Washington Post----J.D.)

Things to think about, Heading into Hump Day:

1.  Do you need to know the particulars of a case to try it up?
2.  When a judge is sleeping, should you wake them up, or use it to your advantage?
3.  Is it poor form to hit on opposing counsel as a strategic move?
4.  What if they're hot?  And you really mean it?
5.  If I punch opposing counsel in the face, in a conference room, and no one is around to see him hit the floor, does opposing counsel make a blubbering sound like a little bitch?
6.  Have Al Franken, Maureen Down, or Paul Krugman ever been right about anything?
7.  If women had the same intelligence level as dogs, would they be our best friends?
8.  Would we want them as our best friends?
9.  Is it worth firing a client you simply can't manage, or should you endure them even though you know you can't win, as a skills-building exercise.
10. Why, for the love of God, can we not get good Cajun or Creole food up here in Chicago?

At least there is precedent (*cough JD)

MADISON, Wis. -- A porn-surfing Michigan parole officer is getting his job back -- with a raise, too.
Thomas DeLeon was fired in 2004, after computer logs showed he was surfing the Internet for about four hours a day. The records also show he was visiting X-rated Web sites while on the job.

His union appealed, saying firing was excessive for a first-time offense.

But an arbitrator has ruled that Department of Corrections policy mandated light discipline for a first time offense, not firing. The arbitrator said DeLeon should have received a one-day suspension.

The arbitrator said there were 10 similar cases with corrections employees and none was terminated.

Officials of the department say they're stunned by the ruling. But DeLeon is getting to return to old his job, along with an automatic pay raise and $45,000 in back pay.

-  The Associated Press

You just can't make this stuff up.

Teen beats up his grandmother - because she won't buy him beer

Bradenton, Florida -- Deputies say a 16-year-old has been arrested for beating his grandmother with a two-by-four for refusing to give him $100 for beer. Charged is Kurt Cass of Hammock Drive, Bradenton
                         
Investigators say Cass went into his 60-year-old grandmother's bedroom Thursday and asked her for $100 for beer. When she refused, he allegedly placed a razor blade on her throat and demanded she take him to the bank to get the money, deputies said.

"When the victim arrived back home she locked all of the doors," deputies reported. "The defendant arrived back home and kicked the front door in.

"Once inside the defendant grabbed a two foot 2x4 piece of wood and hit the victim numerous times on the back. The defendant then grabbed a three foot piece of 3 inch PVC pipe and hit the victim on her head, back, and legs numerous times. The defendant's case worker arrived on scene and was able to hold him until law enforcement arrived."

Deputies said Cass has made comments in the past to his grandmother that she should kill his entire family.

Cass was charged with domestic aggravated assault, two counts of domestic aggravated battery, attempted robbery, and kidnapping.

Authorities say Cass came from a troubled family. His mother is in prison on cocaine possession and sale charges, and his father is serving a 15-year prison sentence for manslaughter after choking a prostitute to death in 2002.

The grandmother has had legal guardianship of Cass and his little brother since 1994.

I blame President Clinton, Jeff Foxworthy, the whole state of Arkansas, and the Republican Party for cutting grandma's benefits to the point where she couldn't buy that thing some beer.  God bless America.

--J.D. Crane