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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Russian Roulette

Did you ever wonder why you were assigned a certain judge? The Regional Rules actually grant some insight into the system:

For assignment purposes civil cases are grouped into categories, usually by the type of case. The case types chosen for each category are expected over the long run to generate about the same amount of judicial work. Criminal cases are grouped in a similar fashion.

The current assignment system is computer based. A separate assignment deck is kept for each category. (Prior to the introduction of the computerized assignment system, physical decks of assignment cards were used. The terms “assignment deck” and even “assignment card” continue in use as metaphors to describe the manner in which the computer operates.) In the deck the name of each regular active judge on full assignment appears an equal number of times. The name of the chief judge appears half as often as a regular active judge. The ratios for senior judges depend on the caseloads they are carrying, varying from being no different from that of a regular active judge, to a one-half share of less than all of the categories.

As part of filing a new case, the assignment clerk enters the case category information into the assignment system. The system keeps track of cases processed and automatically shows the next available case number.

Once the case number and category are verified, the computer uses a shuffle procedure to pick a name from one of the unused names remaining in the assignment deck for the category selected. For obvious security reasons, the deputies assigning the cases do not have access to the software that sets up the assignment decks. The deputies responsible for setting up the decks do not assign cases. This system together with the changes in the make up of the deck due to equalization and the shuffling of the names prior to the actual assignment assures that staff cannot determine in advance the name of the judge to whom a case will be assigned.

The assignment system also handles the reassignment of cases. Cases are reassigned for a variety of reasons. The most frequent is the need to reassign a case because it is related to one pending on another judge’s calendar. Recusals result in reassignments or equalization. When a new judge takes office, cases are reassigned from the calendars of sitting judges to form a new calendar. When a judge leaves, the cases on the judge’s calendar are reassigned among sitting judges. There are even provisions in the procedures for reassignments due to errors made at assignment.

When a judge is appointed to the Court an initial calendar is prepared. It consists of civil cases equal in number to the average number of civil and criminal cases pending on the calendars of sitting judges. The new judge gets only civil cases in the initial calendar. A civil case that was twice previously reassigned to form a new calendar cannot be reassigned a third time for that reason. Any civil case in which the trial is in process or has been held and the case is awaiting final ruling also cannot be reassigned. The remaining cases are arranged in case number order and a random selection is made. In this way the age distribution of the cases on the new judge’s initial calendar reflects the average age distribution of all civil cases pending. Such a distribution serves to provide the new judge with a calendar that is reasonably close to the average in terms of workload.

*Prophet

Sunday, June 25, 2006

FINALLY--confirmation of what we've known all along...

Mathequation_1

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Awesomeness of Scalia Continues

2005casablancabogartbergmanIn yesterday's Supreme Court decision in Rapanos v. United States, most people were focused on the exact effect on the Clean Water Act.  (And although I'll have to re-read the opinion, it seemed like the only ruling was in more clearly defining what constitutes "navigable waters.")  However according to QuizLaw.com (and I have to agree), the best part of the whole ruling was Scalia's second footnote on p. 8 of his opinion, wherein he praises the court in Save Our Sonoran, Inc. v. Flowers for quoting Casablanca, and then proceeds to quote the dialogue himself.  For those of you curious as to what he could be quoting, here it is:

Captain Renault [Claude Rains]: "What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?"
Rick [Humphrey Bogart]: "My health.  I came to Casablanca for the waters."
Captain Renault: "The waters?  What waters?  We're in the desert."
Rick: "I was misinformed.'"

So Sayeth Scalia.  Bitches.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Family Guy Goes to Harvard

Family_guy_family_guy_viewer_mail_1_2002
Seth McFarlane's speech to Harvard graduates .  (courtesy of Daily Sixer)

"Boobie Pillows"

Yay for Kern County, CA code!  Because I like Googling "boobie pillows" at 9:20 in the morning...

94745970_5f592e3a2a_19.12.010 Public sales of articles depicting female breasts. (partial citation)

A. Finding of Fact Leading to Enactment. Residents of the county have petitioned the board of supervisors of the county to prevent persons who display, sell or offer to sell upholstered or stuffed articles depicting, simulating or caricaturing female breasts from vending such articles at sites adjacent to and near county highways. Those petitioners have represented, and this board of supervisors finds, that county highways regularly are traversed by adults and children who have no recourse except to use those highways going to and from school, to play and recreation, to stores, offices, churches, and otherwise following their daily activities, and that vending such articles adjacent to and near county highways is indecent, offensive to the senses, an unwarranted intrusion upon the right of adults and children freely to use the county highways in their legitimate comings and goings and to be free in such travels from vulgar, sexist and exploitative displays and exhibitions by the vendors thereof.
The petitioners have represented, and the board of supervisors finds, that (unlike indecent and vulgar displays in movies, newspapers, television and other places, the offensiveness of which can be prevented or controlled by turning off the set, canceling a subscription, declining to purchase, or nonattendance) the hawking of those articles named by its vendor and sold as “boobies pillows” along the public highways is a species of indecency and vulgarity which cannot be ignored or controlled by passersby, which assails the eyes and minds of all who are required to use county highways, and which should be barred and controlled for the peace, safety and welfare of the unincorporated areas of the county.

B. Display and and Sale Banned Within One Thousand (1,000) Feet of Highways.  No vendor shall vend stuffed articles depicting the female breasts (sold as "boobie pillows") within one thousand (1,000) feet of any county highway.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Alternative dispute resolution: Rock Paper Scissors

Recently, a Federal judge sitting in Florida ordered that the parties’ most recent trivial dispute should be settled with the hand-gesture game of "rock, paper, scissors".

According to the order, counsels for both parties are to meet at a neutral location, each with one paralegal in tow to serve as their party’s witness.  If a neutral location cannot be determined then, the attorneys were to meet on the steps of the Federal Court house. “At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of rock, paper, scissors,” stated the order. The victor of said competition will awarded the right to choose the location of the 30(b)(6).

After reading the order, I believe the court made a mistake in giving the parties the ability to appeal.  Nonetheless, this judge’s order is better reasoned than the last order I received from a federal judge.

*Prophet

Read the order

Friday, June 02, 2006

Friday Survey!

 

Question_mark

Okay folks, it's time for Friday Survey!  Remember to keep score at home!

1.  A lawyer walks into court with no tie.  He tells the Judge "I'm sorry your Honor, I wasn't planning on being in court today, but something came up."  The Judge says "That's okay."  Ten minutes later, another lawyer walks into court with no tie.  He tells the Judge "I'm sorry your Honor, I didn't think I had court today."  The Judge rakes him over the coals.  What happened?

A.  The first lawyer really wasn't supposed to be in court that day; but the second was, and simply forgot.
B.  The Judge likes the first guy, and doesn't like the second.
C.  The Judge is getting senile.
D.  The Judge has smoked cigars and boozed with the first lawyer, and isn't familiar with the second.

2.  A lawyer asks an attendant in the Clerk's office for a document.  It's a document which would be invaluable to lawyers, but which lawyers are specifically not to have.  After some good-natured begging and flirting, she gives the document to the lawyer.  What happened?

A.  She was momentarily dazzled by the lawyer's inherent charm, and forgot her station.
B.  She makes $9.40 and hour, and doesn't give a f*ck.
C.  She secretly longs for attention, any attention, even attention from a scummy lawyer.
D.  This lawyer has complemented her on her new breast implants, has struck up a friendship with her, and now she regularly asks him what he thinks of this blouse, that blouse, this sweater, etc.

3.  One lawyer calls another lawyer, in order to ascertain why the second lawyer has filed a motion for sanctions.  After some discussion over the facts, and some heated discourse, the second lawyer agrees to withdraw his motion with prejudice, even though his client has demanded he file it.  What happened?

A.  Common sense and reason prevailed over emotion and client anger.  No, really!
B.  The first lawyer reminded the second that he knows where the second lawyer lives.
C.  Once all the facts were in, the second lawyer realized it would be a waste of time.
D.  Having just crushed the second lawyer in a case the second lawyer was supposed to win, the first lawyer explained just exactly how he was going to crush the second lawyer a second time.

Now let's add up our score! :
Give yourself one point for every "A", two for every "B", three for Every "C" and four for every "D".

Scale:
1-3        You're a fucking moron.
4-6        You must be a federal employee
7-9        You're not quite there, but I like the way you think
10-12     You're money baby, MONEY.

*incidentally, the correct answer to every question is "D".  Hey, I was there...

Overheard today in court:

Attorney: "Now your Honor, I don't mean to sound stupid, but..."

Judge:  "Too late."

Illinois Village pees on R. Kelly

As Dave Chappelle has said: haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love, the Villiage of Olympia Hills wants none of the above, they want to piss on him (according to R. Kelly's recent lawsuit Download r_kelly_complaint.pdf)

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Good and welfare

For the good and welfare of LRB and all its members, I'd like to send out a hearty thank you to our very own JD Crane who gratiously lent his revered courtroom presence in Ohnoyoudidn't County so members of my firm would not need to traverse the barren wastelands known as the suburbs to attend court. 

What my firm has failed to realize is that they have made a crucial mistake in becomming indebted to JD, for one day Mr. Crane will come a callin', ready to cash in the debt he is owed...and there will be hell to pay.

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These posts are not legal advice. This is a personal site. As such, views expressed should not be attributed to any law firm. The views of one author do not necessarily represent the views of the others. Copyright 2005-2007.