Temper, Temper...or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Respondent.

  Greetings, minions!  It's been a while since I've posted, mainly because most attorneys now tremble in fear of the force of nature that is J.D. Crane, and simply capitulate on the spot.  However, I have an entertaining and valuable anecdote to share, which happened recently in the hallowed halls of Crotchrubber County:

I'll be honest, I was already pissed off when I arrived at court.  Someone had dumped the case on me at the last minute, leaving me no time to truly prepare for the two hearings that were up in the same case that day, a Petition for Fees and a Petition for Rule to Show Cause.  I was additionally pissed because opposing counsel is someone I dislike intensely.  Adding fuel to the fire was the presence of his client in court, a true novelty, and someone I also came to intensely dislike within, oh, about 10 seconds of meeting him.  Most irritating of all was the fact that the client is H-O-T, has all the bits and pieces where God meant them to be, and has been flirting with me, hardcore, for weeks.  If she were not a client, we would have been engaged in the hippity-dippity in the parking lot that very morning--I shit you not.  (We're talking ANIMAL magnetism here....Jesus.....)

Moving on, opposing counsel is 20 minutes late, and then, when he does show up, speaks to his client for 20 minutes.  At this point, every last milliliter of bile in my body is ready to spew forth in sheer and unapologetic venom.  I storm outside and walk up to where Butch Wouldyablowme and the Dipshit Kid are in conference, and I speak up loudly, stating "Are you guys ready?  Let's do this!"
Opposing counsel takes me aside and asks if we can talk before the hearings and I say, "sure".    He pulls his client over into a vacant office and says "aren't you going to get your client?"  I say, "No, she doesn't want to talk to you two.  Now are you going to make me an offer I won't laugh at, or should we go inside and let the fucking begin?"

Please bear in mind that I am NEVER, never this abrasive under normal circumstances.  I firmly believe, with the perspective of hindsight, that the factors I mentioned previously had contributed to such a foul mood on my part that I had ceased to care at that point.  His client, who is in law enforcement, and considers himself above the law, looks at me with a smirk and says, "Fucking?  Who's gonna get fucked?"  That's when I lean over to within a foot of his face and yell "YOU'RE THE ONE ABOUT TO BE FUCKED, AND I'M THE ONE THAT'S GONNA BE STICKING IT IN!!!"
Predictably, at this point his client goes berserk, and after taking ten minutes to calm him down, they make me an offer for approximately one-third of my fees, they specifically perform the terms of a previous agreement, and I withdraw both Petitions with prejudice.  I laugh in their face and proceed to tell them, in detail, exactly how they will be going down like the Titanic.

(Side-note:  one of the specific things they were to perform was to retain another, well known lawyer to represent them in another matter.  They had failed to do so.  Unbeknownst to them, I was going to call this lawyer as a witness.)

His client goes berserk again, and this time his client is ready to go to the mat; all offers rescinded, we're trying this thing--which is fine by me.  At this very moment, literally at the very second they decide to proceed to hearing, the attorney I planned to call as a witness walks around the corner, greets me, and asks if I'm ready.  My opponent's eyes go wide, and his client's go wider.  They ask what he's doing here.  I say, "I'm going to be calling him as my second witness, so he can tell the judge how you've utterly and completely failed to live up to your obligations."  His client's head drops into his hands, and I walk into court.  My client was thrilled with their first offer, but the mood I was in, I'd as just as soon tried it up, so I convinced her we could do much better. (which I thought we could.)

Five minutes later, opposing counsel comes into court and wants to make me another offer.  I go outside, and they counter with 75% of my fees, specific performance on one of the two things, and I withdraw both Petitions with prejudice.  I shoot up off of the desk corner I'd been sitting on and say "You'll perform BOTH things you were supposed to do, I'll withdraw both my Petitions WITHOUT prejudice, and you'll pay ALLLLLLLLL my fees, including the hour of my life I've just wasted sitting here listening to your bullshit.  Final offer."

Then I just sit there, watching his client's humiliation as his attorney busts his balls (in front of me) and basically makes him take the offer. (I put the fear of God into opposing counsel, apparently.)  So they take the offer.

I leave the courthouse, with H-O-T walking me to my car (down boy......DOWN!) and the opposition walking away dejected.  I felt a little embarrassed by my behavior afterwards; as I said before, I'm not usually like that.  However, in hindsight, I've gleaned some life lessons to share with you:

1.  If you're feeling righteous, don't be afraid to blow your top.  Give in to your rage, let it consume you, BECOME a blazing pillar of righteous fucking fire and destroy anything that ventures into your presence.  You'll feel great.

2.  Don't be afraid to take it to the judge.  If you start to feel relieved that they made you an offer, you've either not prepared, are not cut out for trial work, or are a spineless little shit.

3.  Try to get retained by really H-O-T clients.  It makes all the difference....;)

-J.D.

Comments

[Prophet]

J.D. makes passing reference to well known ABA Model Rule of Professional Conduct 1.8(j) - A lawyer shall not have sexual relations with a client unless a consensual sexual relationship existed between them when the client-lawyer relationship commenced. (We all remember what the (j) stands for, right?)

I'd also like to point out another moral of J.D.'s tale. If your potential client is H-O-T, make sure you commence a sexual relationship before receiving the retainer.

P.S. J.D. with a settlement pending she may no longer be "your client." Just be sure you get it in writing before getting it “on” in the parking lot.

[Jurisconsultus]

J.D., man, watch out. Don't let your anger flow through you. Remember, anger and rage lead to the dark side.