The League of Rogue Barristers - Chicago Chapter

Nice Marmot?

Big Rodents Overrun Washington Seniors May 30 4:13 PM US/Eastern

PROSSER, Wash.

"The marmots are coming, the marmots are coming." Seniors living in Wine Country Villa probably wish they had gotten such a warning.

Residents say the oversized rodents are swarming through the 75-unit development of manufactured homes near the airport of this Eastern Washington town, burrowing under homes, fouling front porches with their droppings and _ according to some unconfirmed accounts _ attacking people.

Many species of marmots, including some known as woodchucks and groundhogs, are found across North America. They are closely related to ground squirrels and are among the largest of rodents, some reaching 30 pounds.

"Can you imagine what they'd do to cats?" asked Dick Bain, 78, a Wine Country resident who dispatched two of the animals with a shovel Friday.

Bain said he doesn't like killing animals but had to act after finding two marmots beneath a stack of carpentry wood next to his house.

"My neighbor got tackled (by marmots) two years ago and got chewed up pretty bad," Bain told the Yakima Herald-Republic.

The account could not be verified by the newspaper. Bain would not identify the man, saying his neighbor was embarrassed.

Also unconfirmed was an account that a resident got badly bitten after reaching into a water tank to remove a marmot that only appeared to be dead.

Ray Borgens, 81, said marmots leave unsavory calling cards in his carport, burrow under his house and once scooted up a ladder he left leaning against the roof.

"They were snooping around the air ducts up there," Borgens said.

Concerned about the droppings, which Bain said often are tracked indoors "even though you think you've cleaned it off," residents say officials in the Benton-Franklin Health Department have told them there's nothing the agency can do because the animals pose no public health risk, including the spread of infectious disease.

Police add that town ordinances prohibit residents from shooting the critters.

Officials in the state Department of Fish and Wildlife say residents likely will have to pay if they want to eradicate the infestation, and then only after clearing some bureaucratic hurdles. First, they must file a complaint with the agency's Yakima office, which then may refer them to a certified exterminator.

"These are not free services," agency spokeswoman Madonna Luers said. "We do not have the staff to go out there and deal with these situations."

To make the area less attractive to marmots, she advised securing garbage cans and other potential sources of food or nesting material.

She also advised trying to avoid marmot confrontations.

"They've probably become pretty accustomed to people," Luers said, "and it's not an animal you want to tangle with."

___

Information from: Yakima Herald-Republic, http://www.yakima-herald.com

A little advice...

...to the jurists of Cumoneyewannalaya County:

1.  Before you go down the call, ask if there are any agreed orders first. (dipshits)

2.  If you come back from a recess and the room is packed with attorneys, but none of them step up on any case you call, why don't you ask if there are any agreed orders? (assholes)

3.  If it's an agreed order, ENTER IT.  The bench is not a forum for your bloviated pontifications on what the parties should do, especially if it's not against public policy. (shut the fuck up and do your jobs)

4.  An amusing anecdote is all well and good, but not when it has nothing to do with the matter at hand, and the attorneys are lined up 24 men and women deep. (jackass)

5.  Your courtroom is not the only one in the universe.  If an attorney has checked in not once, not twice, but THREE times and the court isn't ready for the matter, don't throw a fit when your royal highness is ready to hear arguments but the attorney is in another room, having a hearing in front of a jurist who actually gives a damn. (mother f*ckers)

6.  No, we actually don't care what you're wearing under the robe.  (shudder)

That is all...further bulletins as events warrant.

My Weekend (a short essay)

I had the distinct pleasure of being able to sample firsthand the culinary skills of one JC, who is either now known as "Grillmaster" or "Hosebeast" depending on the situation.  JC  was able to tame the wild beast that is my father's gas grill to produce some very fine and delectable burgers and hot dogs this past Memorial Weekend.  He also was able to demonstrate the commendable man-skill of holding a water-hose to wash off his car whilst consuming one of the myriad of fine brewed beverages at the same time.  Hats off to "Grillmaster Juris "Hosebeast" Consultus" for a most wonderful effort.  My stomach and my wet dog (no, that's not code for anything) truly are appreciative.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns

It is with much sadness that I must report that actor Paul Gleason passed away.  Gleason was best remembered for his role as Principal Richard Vernon in "The Breakfast Club."

Temper, Temper...or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Respondent.

  Greetings, minions!  It's been a while since I've posted, mainly because most attorneys now tremble in fear of the force of nature that is J.D. Crane, and simply capitulate on the spot.  However, I have an entertaining and valuable anecdote to share, which happened recently in the hallowed halls of Crotchrubber County:

I'll be honest, I was already pissed off when I arrived at court.  Someone had dumped the case on me at the last minute, leaving me no time to truly prepare for the two hearings that were up in the same case that day, a Petition for Fees and a Petition for Rule to Show Cause.  I was additionally pissed because opposing counsel is someone I dislike intensely.  Adding fuel to the fire was the presence of his client in court, a true novelty, and someone I also came to intensely dislike within, oh, about 10 seconds of meeting him.  Most irritating of all was the fact that the client is H-O-T, has all the bits and pieces where God meant them to be, and has been flirting with me, hardcore, for weeks.  If she were not a client, we would have been engaged in the hippity-dippity in the parking lot that very morning--I shit you not.  (We're talking ANIMAL magnetism here....Jesus.....)

Moving on, opposing counsel is 20 minutes late, and then, when he does show up, speaks to his client for 20 minutes.  At this point, every last milliliter of bile in my body is ready to spew forth in sheer and unapologetic venom.  I storm outside and walk up to where Butch Wouldyablowme and the Dipshit Kid are in conference, and I speak up loudly, stating "Are you guys ready?  Let's do this!"
Opposing counsel takes me aside and asks if we can talk before the hearings and I say, "sure".    He pulls his client over into a vacant office and says "aren't you going to get your client?"  I say, "No, she doesn't want to talk to you two.  Now are you going to make me an offer I won't laugh at, or should we go inside and let the fucking begin?"

Please bear in mind that I am NEVER, never this abrasive under normal circumstances.  I firmly believe, with the perspective of hindsight, that the factors I mentioned previously had contributed to such a foul mood on my part that I had ceased to care at that point.  His client, who is in law enforcement, and considers himself above the law, looks at me with a smirk and says, "Fucking?  Who's gonna get fucked?"  That's when I lean over to within a foot of his face and yell "YOU'RE THE ONE ABOUT TO BE FUCKED, AND I'M THE ONE THAT'S GONNA BE STICKING IT IN!!!"
Predictably, at this point his client goes berserk, and after taking ten minutes to calm him down, they make me an offer for approximately one-third of my fees, they specifically perform the terms of a previous agreement, and I withdraw both Petitions with prejudice.  I laugh in their face and proceed to tell them, in detail, exactly how they will be going down like the Titanic.

(Side-note:  one of the specific things they were to perform was to retain another, well known lawyer to represent them in another matter.  They had failed to do so.  Unbeknownst to them, I was going to call this lawyer as a witness.)

His client goes berserk again, and this time his client is ready to go to the mat; all offers rescinded, we're trying this thing--which is fine by me.  At this very moment, literally at the very second they decide to proceed to hearing, the attorney I planned to call as a witness walks around the corner, greets me, and asks if I'm ready.  My opponent's eyes go wide, and his client's go wider.  They ask what he's doing here.  I say, "I'm going to be calling him as my second witness, so he can tell the judge how you've utterly and completely failed to live up to your obligations."  His client's head drops into his hands, and I walk into court.  My client was thrilled with their first offer, but the mood I was in, I'd as just as soon tried it up, so I convinced her we could do much better. (which I thought we could.)

Five minutes later, opposing counsel comes into court and wants to make me another offer.  I go outside, and they counter with 75% of my fees, specific performance on one of the two things, and I withdraw both Petitions with prejudice.  I shoot up off of the desk corner I'd been sitting on and say "You'll perform BOTH things you were supposed to do, I'll withdraw both my Petitions WITHOUT prejudice, and you'll pay ALLLLLLLLL my fees, including the hour of my life I've just wasted sitting here listening to your bullshit.  Final offer."

Then I just sit there, watching his client's humiliation as his attorney busts his balls (in front of me) and basically makes him take the offer. (I put the fear of God into opposing counsel, apparently.)  So they take the offer.

I leave the courthouse, with H-O-T walking me to my car (down boy......DOWN!) and the opposition walking away dejected.  I felt a little embarrassed by my behavior afterwards; as I said before, I'm not usually like that.  However, in hindsight, I've gleaned some life lessons to share with you:

1.  If you're feeling righteous, don't be afraid to blow your top.  Give in to your rage, let it consume you, BECOME a blazing pillar of righteous fucking fire and destroy anything that ventures into your presence.  You'll feel great.

2.  Don't be afraid to take it to the judge.  If you start to feel relieved that they made you an offer, you've either not prepared, are not cut out for trial work, or are a spineless little shit.

3.  Try to get retained by really H-O-T clients.  It makes all the difference....;)

-J.D.

Juris' new moniker

Word comes from the East that from here on out JC will now only answer to:

congratulations to all involved.

Breaking News...

...the citizens of New Orleans are complete and utter morons.  They decided it would be a good idea to re-elect the bumbling fool they call a mayor.

Virginia is not just for lovers anymore

That's right folks.  The great Commonwealth of Virginia does not require any registration or permit to purchase and own firearms.  Be afraid; be very afraid.

It's a sad day for "The Rock"

Anheuser-Busch is buying Rolling Rock.  A moment of silence as another one bites the dust.

What a suprise...

When one ponders the world of Intellectual Property law, with its convoluted rules and plethora of conflicting decisions, it seems fitting that the clearest, simplest breakdown of the law, in both concept and practice, would be provided by........a comic book.

(Thanks to Evan Schaeffer's Legal Underground)

--J.D.

Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday!

You know who you are.  Happy Birthday to You!

And, for the hell of it, a midget link.

Way Better Than Any Hollywood Movie

This woman proves I was doing all the wrong things in law school.  Who is she? 

Find out for yourself.

The food chain

Its always nice to be reminded of our place in the food chain by headlines like Tips For Avoiding Alligator Attacks.

Legal Term of the Week (TM)

Inure -- 1. To take effect; to come into use.  2. To make accustomed to something unpleasant; to habituate.

This week's term is courtesy of Black's Law Dictionary.

They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security.

New revelations that the NSA has been collecting records of every phone call made in the United States since recently after the September 11 attacks.

And just in case you were wondering what became of the earlier revelation that the same agency was recently revealed to have been evesdropping on American citizens without any Congressional or Judicial oversight: the investigation has been ended. Apparently the government lawyers could not get a security clearance from the NSA - How convenient!

QV.

Making Me Proud to be Norwegian

Man charged in dildo assault

A 37-year-old man remained in police custody Tuesday, charged with a violent assault against his former girlfriend. He has testified that his only weapon was a dildo.

The 28-year-old victim remained in the hospital after suffering a concussion, two broken fingers and several cuts. According to local newspaper Firda, she told police she feared for her life during the assault.

The defendant appeared in the Fjordane court in the scenic western town of Nordfjordeid on Monday. He told said he was sorry for his actions, and attempted to downplay the assault.

"It lasted 10 to 15 minutes, max," he told the court. "I didn't hit her with anything other than a dildo."

He also suggested the woman may have had bruises from before the assault. "She doesn't tolerate much because of anorexia," he said, adding that he was sorry "for what happened" and demanding he be released.

He was instead ordered held for another four weeks.

(courtesy of Aftenposten)

I am Godzilla...

RCN is Japan!!!

The bastards at the cable co wanted to charge us for part of May since I didn't cancel service prior to moving, but oh the magic of phrases such as "repeated service failures," "fleecing your customers," and of course, "are you familiar with the legal idea of unjust enrichment?"  Whithering under the power of the Hunc, they backdated the cancellation to 5/1.

(and yes, it may only be 7 days, but I will relish in my victory for years to come, and my descendents will speak with pride of the day that ol' Hunc put the smack down on RCN)

How about: "We're Not New York's Underarm Anymore"

It seems that New Jersey has struck out on its first attempt at a new slogan.

Virginia, Representin'!

This really has nothing to do with VA.

Besides a big ole shout-out to my adopted state for 3 months, I also wanted to pimp one of my favorite sites to read: Pajiba .  Forget those stuffy newspaper critics, fuck off Ebert & Roeper...go with Pajiba.

Legal Term of the Week (TM)

Ok, so it's more like the legal term of the week-and-a-half or bi-week.  You got a problem?  Sue me.

Loss-of-chance doctrine -- A rule in some states providing a claim against a doctor who has engaged in malpractice that, although it does not result in a particular injury, decreases or eliminates the chance of surviving or recovering from the preexisting condition for which the doctor was consulted.

Sweet Lady Justice

Finally those spyware assholes get what is coming to them.  And I would like to record to show that I thought of suing these bastards about two years ago--those bastards messed up my laptop.

No Surprise Here

Another Kennedy that has a problem with driving under the influence.

As Good an Excuse for a Mint Julep as Any

Tomorrow is the annual Run for the Roses and, in grand tradition, I'm going to once again pick the losing horse.  My favorite this year has to be "Lawyer Ron," if for no other reason than his name.  Of course with odds of 4-1, my pick this year may actually win something.
Then again, OJ Simpson has picked him as well, which should effectively deaden any chances that poor horse might've had.  (Click on the link, if only to laugh at the article title.)  Now, where'd I put my Derby hat?

Someone Tell George Clooney to go F@#& Himself

Where does this guy come off?  Take a look at a couple of his ideas on foreign policy:

Iraq bad

Darfur good

Here's a summary for those who have better things to do:

Intervention in a foreign country where we have no business being in order to prevent terrible acts against humanity that is proposed by a conservative: Bad.

Intervention in a foreign country where we have no business being in order to prevent terrible acts against humanity that is proposed by a liberal: You are a fucking moron for not supporting this.