The League of Rogue Barristers - Chicago Chapter

You tell them, Scalia!!!

The REAL Legal Term of the Week (TM)

Do not be fooled by imitations.  Trust only the Legal Term of the Week (TM) from Jurisconsultus.

Quia timet -- A legal doctrine that allows a person to seek equitable relief from future probable harm to a specific right or interest.

This week's term is courtesy of Black's Law Dictionary.

Legal Term of the Week: Often Imitated; Never Duplicated (TM)

Legal Term(s) of the Week

LAWFUL, adj.

Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.

LAWYER, n.

One skilled in circumvention of the law.

LIAR, n.

A lawyer with a roving commission.

The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (circa 1911).

*Prophet

An Evolving Debate, Part III

Here are a few more articles on the "Roe vs. Wade" for men case that's been in the news lately:

An article from the Chicago Tribune that tries to balance the interests of the child with the fraud angle.

The press release from the National Center for Men, who initiated the litigation and is financing it.

A man-on-the-street view from a father of two boys.

A libertarian point of view.

A right-wing point of view.

A fascinating (and personally, horrifying) discussion in the comments section of Madison.com;  just keep reading the comments.

Helpful Advice

Defendants as you may have noticed, we did not accept your settlement offer. I’ll let you in on a little secret, your settlement offer was the funniest thing I have read in the last month. I laughed, the partners laughed, even the client who was eager to see the settlement offer laughed.

I feel it is my obligation to give you some tips so that your next settlement offer isn’t a joke.

1) Realize that you are standing in shit up to your shoulders.

• MAN #1: Who's that then?
• MAN #2: I dunno. Must be a king.
• MAN #1: Why?
• MAN #2: He hasn't got shit all over him.

Your position is weak. It’s not just weak, it’s limp. I was at the hearing. I watched as your defenses were completely negated by your own witness on his direct examination. Hell, it was a curtsey that we even cross-examined him. If there is any doubt, we are the kings and you're standing in shit. "Hail to the king, baby."

2) As the Defendant, you are in no position to demand anything from the Plaintiff.

• KNIGHT of NI: When you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... With....  A HERRING!

You are not sitting high-and-mighty atop of a perfect counter claim. You are standing in shit; you are in no position to tell anyone what to do.  Moreover, kings… I mean plaintiffs do not like being told what to do with their property. They find it insulting. So, just to spite defendants, plaintiffs will often continue suing them.

3) Do not demand as a condition to the settlement that the Plaintiff will dismiss her suit with prejudice.

• LAUNCELOT:  We were in the nick of time.  You were in great peril.
• GALAHAD:  I don't think I was.
• LAUNCELOT:  Yes you were.  You were in terrible peril.
• GALAHAD:  Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
• LAUNCELOT:  No, it's too perilous.

First, see #2 above. Second, it is implied that if the parties reach a settlement the plaintiff will stop suing the defendant. However, a plaintiff will never voluntarily dismiss her suit with prejudice. This leads me to believe that you are clinically insane.  Why would our plaintiff dismiss her suit with prejudice and rely solely on a settlement agreement to protect her interests?  If you breach the settlement agreement (as crappy as it was) my client’s only remedy would be contractual damages. This is unacceptable to any plaintiff in civil litigation, as she wants not only to sue you for contractual damages but also for damages stemming from your continued wrongdoing.

4) Do not promise that in the future you will refrain from doing those things that you are presently obligated contractually to refrain from doing.

• FATHER:  Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!

Contracts, even settlement agreements, require consideration. Promising to refrain from doing things you are already obligated not to perform is not adequate consideration. The reason why we are suing you is because you did those things.

5) Give Money

• OLD MAN: I feel happy
• The CART DRIVER very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN.
• LARGE MAN (handing over the money at last): Thanks very much.

We have done lots of defense work at my firm, and there have been multiple times when the defendant had a perfect defense and yet we told him to pay off the plaintiff in settlement. Why? Because it is cheaper in the long run. You only have a defense when a jury decides that you have a defense. Between now and then you are going to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees. It is cheaper if you offer up a portion of those fees to the plaintiff.  Everyone wants to feel like a winner, especially plaintiffs. If a plaintiff sees a little cash for her troubles, then she doesn’t feel like she is being disrespected (See #2 and #3). Again, you do not have a defense (See #1). In fact, by your silence you conceded guilt, and we called you on it… twice.

I am not saying that we would accept your next settlement offer. I just trying to provide you with helpful advice because God knows you need it.

*Prophet

An Evolving Debate, Part II

Women's Rights vs. Men's Rights

As I mentioned in an earlier post, a case is currently making its way through the courts.  It's being called "Roe vs. Wade for Men", and it's a fascinating case that is spurring social debate in many different ways.  Here is an article by Jeff Jacoby of the Boston Globe.  Although I personally disagree with his conclusion, it is well-written and is a great summary of the current debate.

Discuss.

J.D. Crane's Island (Yar!)

Juuuuuuuuust……….

Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,

A tale of J.D. Crane,

That started with some pro se schmuck,

And finished with his pain!

The pro se schmuck was very loud,

His arguments were crap,

So J.D. Crane (that fearless champ),

Began to spring his trap…Began to spring his trap!

So J.D. started getting tough,

He baited pro se schmuck,

So pro se schmuck then took the bait,

And then his hopes were sunk…And then his hopes were sunk!

The hearing’s over, J.D. won, and now the pro se schmuck:

1. Must get a jooooooooooooob,
2. Give J.D. caaaaasssshhhhhhh,
3. Pay child suppoooooooorrrrt,
4. Or do some tiiiiiiimmmeeeee,

And don’t forget…..

Can you say:  All your backpaaaaaaaaayyyyy,

Goes to J.D. Crane’s cliiieeeeeeeennnnnnttttttt!!!!

If you strike me down now, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Greetings, my little legal chickadees!  I bring you good tidings and another victory from Sprawl County.  Today we will address a serious topic:  When NOT to play to your strengths in the courtroom.

I had a hearing today, in front of Judge Napoleon. (not a tall man.)

My opponent: a gnarled creature....cantankerous, crotchety, irritable, un-budging, and venomous.  It has been said that, in his prime, his courtroom prowess rivaled J.D. Crane's.  That, of course, is nonsense, as anyone could see.  How anyone who looks like a grizzly bear with Mange could have started out as I have is merely diarrhea for the ears.  Indeed!

I was opposing his motion, and everyone in the courtroom, including I, expected him to go berserk, ranting and raving, kicking up the theatrics to near-unheard-of-levels.  And, of course, everyone expected me to respond in kind.  You see, I've got a reputation for being willing to engage in the sort of spirited, heated courtroom debate that gets one lambasted by the boys in the robes.  And, truth be told, I'm awfully good at it.  If the situation descends into nastiness, there are not many (in fact, I can think of none) who can out-belittle, out-patronize, and out-condescend J.D. Crane.  However, the "sturm-un-drang" never came.

Why not?

There are a few simple reasons:

1.  Judge Napoleon hates that sort of thing, and was already expecting it.

2.  My opponent was almost assuredly going to try it.

3.  I wanted to win.

Thus, because I felt obligated to my client to deliver the desired outcome, I did something I have only done on rare occasion:  I threw a blank at the court.

Like Hannibal Lecter in "Silence of the Lambs", my pulse rate didn't break 68.  I stated my points softly, matter-of-factly, in a monotone of sorts, gently allowing the words to float out over my soon-to-be-victorious lips.  In fact, the Judge had to lean over several times just to hear me.  True to form, opposing counsel railed at me, railed at the court system, railed at the injustice of it all, railed at the stars, even.  As Groucho Marx used to say,"Once you can fake genuineness, everything else is a snap!".

And every time he took a breath, I calmly and steadily interjected my counterpoint and my justification.  This was (and is) hard for me.  I tend to psyche myself up to the point that I think I'm on the side of righteousness in the courtroom, even if that's not necessarily the case.  This allows me to come off as believable to the court, because, for that short period of time I have myself psyched up, I DO believe what I'm saying. 

So I denied myself my habitual and instinctual tendencies for the good of the client.  I won the hearing, of course. (but you already knew that)  It's very hard, though.  All throughout the hearing I wanted to jump in and out-roar him, out-grandstand him, and out-outrage him.  Even after I had won, I was still dissatisfied with how things went, so powerful is the urge to fight in kind.  Sometimes you must deny yourself in order to prevail.  Sometimes you must resist your natural impulses and override the reflexes you've spent time honing in court.

Sometimes it's not about you, it's about the client.

And if you don't agree, I will FIGHT YOU!

Legal Term of the Week

After a smashing debut and a successful tour of Scandinavia and Sub-Continent, I give you the return of "Legal Term of the Week."

Danger-invites-rescue doctrine - The principle holding a defendant liable not only for injuries to the person that the defendant has imperiled, but also for injuries that a third person receives while trying to rescue the imperiled person.

(This week's term is courtesy of Black's Law Dictionary.)

Overheard in Court Today, or, God Bless Pro Se Litigants.

In Bangyasista County this morning, the judge had just finished explaining to some pro se litigants what a hearing was, and what they needed to do as far as calling witnesses and asking questions.  So the two litigants go up in front of the judge, obviously fuming, get sworn in, and then the judge directs the movant to begin asking the respondent questions:

First Question:  "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!!!!"

(at which point the judge steps in and tells the movant that is not the kind of questions the court appreciates)

Second Question:  "DO YOU RECALL THE EXACT MOMENT YOU BECAME OVERCOME WITH JEALOUSY AND LOST YOUR MIND?"

(judge again intervenes, this time with more than a little anger)

Third Question: "WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BITCH?!!!!!"

(at which point the judge tells the movant "you're done" and then threatens to send the movant to jail)

it gets better.

Because the movant has blown his chance, it's now the respondent's turn.

First Question:  "WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST GIVE ME WHAT I WANT?  WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST DO WHAT I ASKED?!!!"

(judge intervenes)

Second Question:  "YOU'RE NOT A MAN, ARE YOU?  YOU'RE NOT ACTING LIKE A MAN, ARE YOU?"

(the judge is PISSED, and lays into the respondent, at which point the respondent...)

...asks the Third Question (which really isn't a question, although it's a statement I've longed to make):

(directed at the judge) "STAY OUT OF THIS, I'M THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE!"

At this time, part of me wants to stand up and cheer.  However, the part of me that keeps that part of me in check suddenly clinches up, with a feeling of dread.  Sure enough, the respondent gets a "time-out" with some of the Bangyasista County Sheriff's finest guests.

The moral of this story is, of course, if you want to say things like that to a judge, get a blog.

Weekly Poll

What do all these people have in common?

1.  Richard Daley
2.  John Stroger
3.  Barack Obama
4.  Rod Blagoevich
5.  Dick Durbin

That's right!  They're all policitians!

And thus, they are all douchebags.

Tune in next week for another edition of......................The Weekly Poll.

It's official...

...Ruth Bader Ginsberg is out of her mind.

Follow-up Narcisse

When the night ends at 1:15am with me, the DJ, and a drunk Gepetto being the only ones sitting at a bar, it probably wasn’t a good night to begin with. One would think that stepping into one of city’s swankiest places would provide a nice atmosphere.  While my credit card statement will show that several Rogue Barristers were in attendance, we apparently left our inner-rockstars at home. I imagine that the night would have been different had we showed up at Narcisse on any other weekend night besides the night after St. Patrick’s Day. 

As for the DJ, with a DJ name like “DJ Psycho-Bitch” you already know that she is a very butch (very butch, nonetheless cool) woman DJ.  She plays all the spots in the Gold Coast, and was the feature at Sound Bar before heading over to Narcisse last night. Check out her web-site at www.djpyscho-bitch.com for up-coming events.

*Prophet

Quote of My Day

Overheard from a phone conversation between Dwarf Gnome Partner and unknown:

GP: "He's a lawyer?  Then I don't trust him."

Heh.

(Edited because some kind soul reminded me I had dubbed said partner with the moniker The Roaming Gnome.)

An Evolving Debate

Women's Rights vs. Men's Rights

For those of you who have been following the news, there is a legal challenge pending in the court system which many commentators have taken to calling "Roe vs. Wade for Men".  It involves the concept that a man should have a period of time before the child is born to relinquish any parental or financial responsibility for the child, if the child was not wanted.  There is an excellent article on the subject by Cathy Young here.

Discuss.

Worst TV Show Ever

So I am sitting here watching the pilot of "The Loop."  I was somewhat psyched about it taking place in Chicago being that I am currently displaced in the DC Metro area.  I have to tell you; the best part of the show are the canned shots of the Windy City.  The jokes are subpar at best, and the plot is flatter than Nebraska.  To top it all off, one scene is supposed to take place at Comiskey Park.  It is too bad the name of the stadium has been U.S. Cellular for a couple of years now, and the locals affectionately refer to it as "The Cell."  I find it odd, too, that the Los Angeles Times would have its name about the scoreboard on a stadium in Chicago.  The icing on this horrible cake had to have been the clear indications that the baseball stadium was also used for football games.  For the record, The Cell has never hosted a football game and has never been lined for a football game.  It is nice to see Hollywood giving Chicago some recognition, but this is not the recognition we need.  How about a good show?  Is that too much to ask?

Depressing Thought of the Day:

What if you are the coolest person you know?

Discuss.

Calling all Rogues

This Friday Saturday

Narcisse

Starting 6pm until "drunk"

First drink (and probably others) is on me if you mention this ad.

I hate defendants.

But I love it when they give up "the farm" on the stand. 

Update to follow.

*Prophet

Ever Have One of those Days?

Ever have one of those days where you feel like everything you've fought for is meaningless?  I'm having one of those days.  I feel like I keep fighting and trying to make things work out - financially, relationships, family, work - and it all keeps biting me in the ass.  "Good job Sui," says life, "but really, it's not enough.  And it won't ever be enough."  I've had to hear a lot of hard things in the past couple of weeks, and make a lot of hard choices, and it all seems worthless now.

Call it the March blues.  Call it what you will.  I say that it sucks. 

I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of apologizing for everything.  I'm tired of trying to look for support from some arena, any arena, and finding out that everyone's left.  I'm.  Just.  Tired.  So, you read it here first.  I give up.  No more trying.  No more fighting.  What is, is.  This post is my white flag to the universe. 

On a semi-related note, partners suck.  Asshole Partner is not only bored, meaning he stops by my desk every five minutes to ask me how the latest project (Excel chart) is going, but he keeps badgering me about it through useless meetings and horribly typed emails.  The reason for the sudden push?  He just got back from Beautiful Resort, and is now looking forward to Sloped Valley in two weeks, and therefore "must have everything done before his vacation."  Say what?  Where's my vacation?  And why do I have to work extra-hard so you can rest easy on your vacation?  Fuck you, A. Partner.  Fuck you, and fuck your endless charts.  They're pointless, they're useless, and they're busy work so you can keep busy.  I hate you, and I hate Excel.  Fuck off and die.  /end rant

I sense that balance has been restored to the Force...

It would seem that the forces of good have prevailed against the evil Sith menace.

It was a hard fought battle, with the solipsistic forces of high academia landing the first blow.

But soon after, a champion would arise, and smite the solipsistic forces of academia where it hurts the most--in their own home.

And the land again became fertile, and the people multiplied.  Selah.

Finally the credit industry has caught on!

Just when you think your credit card's travel or rewards points can't get any better they come up with this brilliant card.  Click around to see the most unique credit app I've ever seen.

Thanks to www.fark.com for pointing this out.

No Word Whether Lil' Jon Will Be The Curator

Apparently the Smithsonian Institution is putting together an exhibit on hip-hop and rap culture.  I for one say that it is about time.  No longer will rappers and hip-hop artists be considered sub-standard musicians.  Finally they will receive the credit they deserve for sampling anothers artist's creative work and adding it to a repetitive drum machine hook while laying down raunchy, near-obscene lyrics over it all.  That's art, yeeeaaahhhh!

Best Movie... EVER

Critics and historians alike have come to the same conclusion: a great movie needs to have four key ingredients.

What are those four ingredients?

A title that is straight forward and yet leaves something to the imagination.

An airplane

Snakes

Samuel L. Jackson

SNAKES ON A PLANE has everything needed to make a great movie!!!!

It's ALL over, now...

Pentagon Mulls 'Stealth Sharks

March 1, 2006 — The Pentagon is funding research into neural implants with the ultimate hope of turning sharks into "stealth spies" capable of gliding undetected through the ocean, the British weekly New Scientist says. The research builds on experimental work to control animals by implanting tiny electrodes in their brain, which are then stimulated to induce a behavioral response.

"The Pentagon hopes to exploit sharks' natural ability to glide quietly through the water, sense delicate electrical gradients and follow chemical trails," said the report, carried in Saturday's edition. By remotely guiding the sharks' movements they hope to transform the animals into stealth spies, perhaps capable of following vessels without being spotted," the article said.

The unusual project is being funded by the Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), which pioneered the Internet as a platform for robust communications. Scientists involved in the scheme presented their work last week at a meeting on Ocean Sciences in Honolulu, Hawaii, according to the report.

A team at Boston University have implanted electrodes into the brain of a spiny dogfish in a shallow tank. The implants, controlled by a small radio transmitter, stimulate either the right or left side of a brain area dedicated to smell, causing the fish to flick around in that direction in response to the signal.

The next step will be to take this device outside the laboratory. Blue sharks implanted with the gadget are to be released off the coast of Florida. As radio signals will not penetrate the sea, communications with the fish will be made through U.S. Navy acoustic towers capable of sending sonar signals to a shark up to 300 kilometers (187 miles) away.

Other DARPA-funded researchers are working on using implants to record brain activity in sharks in order to understand which neurons are fired by scents, electrical or magnetic fields. These signals help the fish to navigate and offer the reward of food, and could thus in theory be manipulated for surveillance work. New Scientist said the DARPA work was controversial, but also pointed out that work with animal implants also had a potential benefit for medicine.

Understanding more about the brain's electrical signals could one day result in implants to control a prosthetic limb to overcome paralysis.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--What the hell is WRONG with these people?!!!  Haven't they seen Deep Blue Sea?!  Haven't they heeded the words of Lorenzo Lamas in Deadly Waters?!  This is all we need.  This is just fucking GENIUS!!!  It's not like sharks attack people anymore.

Bunch a goddamn idiots over there at Darpa........

Odd Little Things

I can always tell when JD is the only other person in the room with me, because strange things happen.

For instance, we are currently watching 101 Strangest Things Pulled From the Human Body on TLC.  Some of the "graphic images which may be disturbing to sensitive viewers" include pulling 200 nails and several unidentifiable metal objects from a man's stomach [fun fact - the stomach can strech to over 50 times its normal empty size] and watching the reenactment of a man getting his face impaled horizontally by a piece of rebar.  Yes folks, it's graphic, but he got to keep both eyes.  I can only imagine the kind of dreams I'm going to have tonight.  Plus, I think there will be a man carrying his twin later on. 

This same show advises, "Those of you attempting to insert a foreign body into the rectal area - don't do it."  Duly noted.  Thank you TLC.  I'm putting the Coke bottle down now, slowly, and stepping away.

Also, I am completely under the influence of new old favorite blog, courtesy of Mimi Smartypants .  I spit buttery popcorn all over my computer screen reading some of her entries.  She has a talent for finding the best links, including this one from the PA Code.

For you lazy types, 7 Pa. 1.160(a) states that [c]arcasses of swine which give off a pronounced sexual odor shall be condemned.

You read that correctly.

Where do I begin?  I hope I can find a court case where a judge addresses this issue.  "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but the pig carcass, it was giving off a pronounced sexual odor.  I just couldn't help myself.  It was asking for it."

And I'm back to zoophilia...now for necrophiliacs!  Dammit.

More importantly, what happens if this extends to humans at some point?  The law has expanded in other areas...why not this one?  "I'm sorry Prophet, but I was overwhelmed by your pronounced sexual odor.  You must be condemned."

These are important things to ponder.  Which I will do as soon as this poor man on TV finishes explaining what it feels like to have the entire half of his face impaled by a pitchfork.

Sweet dreams y'all!

J.D. Crane strikes again

Greetings, television viewers!  J.D. Crane is back, and he's got stories...

One of the partners is on vacation this week, and, realizing how much J.D. Crane has his shiznit together, gave J.D. Crane all her cases to cover this past week.

So I'm in court, and I'm supposed to stop opposing counsel from entering a financial document.  As I'm sitting there, waiting for opposing counsel (to whom we already told to enter it, nonetheless) I realize several things:

1.  One of our attorneys (currently on maternity leave) spent months negotiating with opposing counsel to draft this thing.
2.  Another one of our attorneys actually wrote the damn thing.
3.  The plan requires approval from a regulatory agency, AND IT HAS BEEN APPROVED.

So I'm sitting there, in front of Judge Grumpy no less, with my head in my hands, wondering WTF the partner wants to stop this thing for.

Opposing counsel shows up, and she's a major league hottie (Judge Grumpy is known to be partial to hotties, and hey, who can blame him?).  I tell her the partner wants another status date, to which she flatly refuses to acquiesce.  So we get up in front of Judge Grumpy and opposing counsel (and rightly so...it's what I would have done) just lays into me.  After she's finished, Judge Grumpy looks at me with a confused grimace, as if to say "WTF counselor?"

As they say in the parlance of our times, "That's when the magic happened."

Not knowing anything about the case, and having only the facts in front of me, I stated these things:

-Your honor, the attorney who negotiated this is out on maternity leave.
-Your honor, the attorney whose case this is, is on vacation.
-Your honor, the regulatory agency is not a client here, and this is about the clients
-Your honor, we're only asking for a very, very short status date to review this document
-Your honor, to the best of my knowledge, our client hasn't even seen this final draft (true, actually)

The Judge goes quiet for a while, looks at me, then looks at opposing counsel and states, "Continued til Monday, over your objections, counselor"

And that, my little snuggle-bunnies, is how you prevent a document that you negotiated, you drafted, and that's already been approved, from being entered.

I'll be here the rest of the week, tip your waitress.