Helpful Advice

Defendants as you may have noticed, we did not accept your settlement offer. I’ll let you in on a little secret, your settlement offer was the funniest thing I have read in the last month. I laughed, the partners laughed, even the client who was eager to see the settlement offer laughed.

I feel it is my obligation to give you some tips so that your next settlement offer isn’t a joke.

1) Realize that you are standing in shit up to your shoulders.

• MAN #1: Who's that then?
• MAN #2: I dunno. Must be a king.
• MAN #1: Why?
• MAN #2: He hasn't got shit all over him.

Your position is weak. It’s not just weak, it’s limp. I was at the hearing. I watched as your defenses were completely negated by your own witness on his direct examination. Hell, it was a curtsey that we even cross-examined him. If there is any doubt, we are the kings and you're standing in shit. "Hail to the king, baby."

2) As the Defendant, you are in no position to demand anything from the Plaintiff.

• KNIGHT of NI: When you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... With....  A HERRING!

You are not sitting high-and-mighty atop of a perfect counter claim. You are standing in shit; you are in no position to tell anyone what to do.  Moreover, kings… I mean plaintiffs do not like being told what to do with their property. They find it insulting. So, just to spite defendants, plaintiffs will often continue suing them.

3) Do not demand as a condition to the settlement that the Plaintiff will dismiss her suit with prejudice.

• LAUNCELOT:  We were in the nick of time.  You were in great peril.
• GALAHAD:  I don't think I was.
• LAUNCELOT:  Yes you were.  You were in terrible peril.
• GALAHAD:  Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
• LAUNCELOT:  No, it's too perilous.

First, see #2 above. Second, it is implied that if the parties reach a settlement the plaintiff will stop suing the defendant. However, a plaintiff will never voluntarily dismiss her suit with prejudice. This leads me to believe that you are clinically insane.  Why would our plaintiff dismiss her suit with prejudice and rely solely on a settlement agreement to protect her interests?  If you breach the settlement agreement (as crappy as it was) my client’s only remedy would be contractual damages. This is unacceptable to any plaintiff in civil litigation, as she wants not only to sue you for contractual damages but also for damages stemming from your continued wrongdoing.

4) Do not promise that in the future you will refrain from doing those things that you are presently obligated contractually to refrain from doing.

• FATHER:  Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!

Contracts, even settlement agreements, require consideration. Promising to refrain from doing things you are already obligated not to perform is not adequate consideration. The reason why we are suing you is because you did those things.

5) Give Money

• OLD MAN: I feel happy
• The CART DRIVER very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN.
• LARGE MAN (handing over the money at last): Thanks very much.

We have done lots of defense work at my firm, and there have been multiple times when the defendant had a perfect defense and yet we told him to pay off the plaintiff in settlement. Why? Because it is cheaper in the long run. You only have a defense when a jury decides that you have a defense. Between now and then you are going to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees. It is cheaper if you offer up a portion of those fees to the plaintiff.  Everyone wants to feel like a winner, especially plaintiffs. If a plaintiff sees a little cash for her troubles, then she doesn’t feel like she is being disrespected (See #2 and #3). Again, you do not have a defense (See #1). In fact, by your silence you conceded guilt, and we called you on it… twice.

I am not saying that we would accept your next settlement offer. I just trying to provide you with helpful advice because God knows you need it.

*Prophet