The Abyss

My tastes are, in a word, discriminating.

This is sharp contrast to the tastes of my friends.  JD once advised me that when determining whether a girl is “my type” I should ask myself: “Does she have a pulse? Is she breathing on her own?” If so, that girl was my type.  I am not an equal opportunity employer. I do have a type, but I am just not so sure what “my type” is.

A while ago, I turned to the Internet to find "my type." Since then, my online profile has been left mostly idle. I’ve dusted it off once and a while to look at some quirky message announced via e-mail. 

HI,

I am outgoing, fun and I read your profile. I think that we have similar interests. – K

I try to approach each message with an open mind and that is typically my first mistake. However, an open mind usually requires a complete profile with a suitable picture. K’s profile put her age at 26, implied she had a career and goals, and said she had well-rounded set of extra-curricular activities.  A lack of a picture did not dissuade me, but in hindsight it should have.  Beauty is the average.  I care more about personality and veracity.

“Never be disappointed when the opposing side gives you an affidavit.  They’ve just given you the ability to impeach them.”  So true. Even in the hands of a law student, an online profile provides the basic means to reassure oneself that the interested party isn’t crazy. Now as an attorney, an online profile provides me a depot of ammunition for probing the psyche of its author.

How should one use a profile to carry out “discovery?” When conducting discovery, an attorney must use his tools effectively.  The question then is whether to use Interrogatories or a Deposition.

Interrogatories consist of a limited number of formal, poignant, written questions posed to the opposing party to which the other party has to respond in writing.  Since the other party has to respond in writing, the answers are usually well thought out such that the answers appear to be ambiguous.  If the answer is not ambiguous, then the party often has consulted all possible sources and realizes that at least for that answer it can keep its story straight.

Depositions, on the other hand, give a party the ability to directly question the other party and allows for spontaneous outbursts.  Depositions are by far the best way to question a witness or a party, as they can only rely on what they remember, whereas the attorney can rely on anything that is before them.

Similarly, when questioning a stranger that’s responded to a profile, I find it better to conduct a phone interview (deposition) than corresponding via email (interrogatories).

So, I sent K my number.

The next day I received a phone call.  I wish I had a transcript of that conversation, because this woman admitted to every deal-breaking and “oh, oh my god” point that I could possibly think of. I’ll try to recant my questions and K’s answers to the best of my ability.

1. Age

Prophet: “At twenty-six, I know what it is like to be drawn in different directions, how do you manage it all?”

K: giggling laughter “Oh, I get through… I am in school getting my masters and I work. I make it happen. But I want to be straight forward with you. I am not twenty-six.”

P: “How old are you?”

K: “But, I look like I am twenty-six”

P: Silence 

K: “Actually, I am 12 years older than you.”

P: “Really?”

2. Status

P: “So, what have you’re past relationships been like? I think your profile gave that funny pre-written response.”

K: “Oh, my ex isn’t around anymore.”

P: “Why would he be around in the first place?”

K: “I guess he was feeling nostalgic because we’d been married for so long.”    

3. Children

P: “Well, you were married for so long but didn’t have any kids.”

K: “Oh we’ve have kids, but don’t worry I won’t have to rely on a babysitter or anything.”

P: “Why’s that?”

K: “Because my oldest is 17 and my youngest just turned 14.”

P: Stunned silence

4. Extra-curricular

K: “But I still find time to play hockey.”

P: “Hockey, like on ice?”

K: “YEA, I play in two men’s leagues in Wheaton and in Skokie.”

P: “What position do you play?”

K: “Center, left and right wing.”

P: “Oh”

K: “That’s my work out for the week.”

5. Psychological Profile (Rule #99: Never date a psych major and, for that matter, anyone else that believes she is qualified to tell you how to think. Never.)

P: “I read your list of activities and it seems like a full plate of things to do.”

K: “I don’t have much time for them any more.”

P: “What are you doing?”

K: “Well, I just got my self-help book published.”

P: “Self-help?”

K: “Yup! Finally, after 10 years someone else believes I am right!”

P:  oh shit

At the end she asked when we wanted to meet. 

Every nerve in my body, except for one, scream for me to find an excuse. The remaining nerve hinted that it would make a great article for this blog. 

“It would be like peering into the abyss without falling in.”

"I could say that I stared into its recesses without being swallowed by it."

Yea, the abyss… the abyss would at least have a slightly redeeming quality if it did swallow.

* Prophet

Comments

[Freshmaker]

Okay, you've successfully scared me away from using the online dating services...

[Sui Generis]

Did you ask if the 17 year-old was hot?

[Prophet]

Sui,
No. However, when I told my story to JD he asked me the exact same question!